Au revoir Paris, Bounjour WDW

So for anyone who has talked to me in the last year then you would know that I have wanted to study abroad. And for anyone who has known me would know that it just hasn't worked out. Either with loans, well always with loans, and then family issues and timing etc etc etc. Finally I found a program that I was going to go to Paris with and postponed it to do it this next semester. I was somewhat excited, but a little apprehensive. I was excited to go to Paris but really apprehensive about the money, and a little scared that I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be. I kind of began thinking about something I had dreamed of since I was in high school, the Disney college program. Basically it is doing free labor at the disney parks for the exchange of an in with the company. To some it sounds awful but to me it always sounded incredible. As I began to talk to people about it they all told me I could work for disney for the rest of my life, I should go to Paris now. I listened and they were right, I could. So I started preparing for Paris and pushed Disney somewhat out of my mind. When I say I pushed Disney out of my mind this is not pushing out the fact that I would be going to Disneyland Paris.
Then one night I received an email that the college program was now open to applicants. I forgot about it for a couple weeks and then late one night I opened up the Epresentation. The cheesiness, the somewhat awful acting, it was so AMAZING to me! I got so excited I did a weird dance, slash run thing in my room (wanting so badly to tell someone but remembering that all of my family was asleep). Then I made the decision to apply, but the only trick is that I wasn't going to tell people. I told two friends who had known me for more then five years and my family. I wanted this to be something for me, a decision that I made completely without outside influences. I figured I could apply and then I would just choose Paris or Disney. So I applied and made it past the first cut and scheduled my phone interview. As I talked to Jubilee about it I begged her to tell me what I should choose (completely breaking on the whole "make my own decision" thing). But as a true friend she wouldn't tell me.
The next day as I was freaking out about my interview and somewhat daydreaming I decided to look at houses in Orlando. Completely irrational and ridiculous but I was imagining getting a career out there eventually and moving for good. Then I found it. The PERFECT house built in the 30's wrap around porch, hard wood floors, clawed foot bathtubs... incredible. And it was only 31,000. Going to Paris would cost 25,000. I could buy a house, A HOUSE... like one to live in forever! For nearly the price of going to Paris for 5 months. That just confirmed it. Jubilee pointed out the day before that I had really already made my choice and she knew I would choose Disney but now I was sure. This is something I wanted to do, and I know alot of people won't understand wanting to go work in the hot sun for nearly nothing over going and sipping coffee in Paris but it has been my dream since I was a little girl. And I trust that God will have a hand in this and eventually I will make it to Paris. Shoot, maybe at Disneyland Paris!
Now the trick was getting in. I read that 30,000 apply every semester and they only take 6,000. Odds were not really that good. I prepared 8 pages worth of notes for the interview (including one that kept saying SMILE!!!). I felt confident after it was through and prepared to wait. Some people were waiting 4 weeks! Others were pended and having to wait until December. I was freaking out because I had to give an answer to Paris if I was coming or not. After 5 days I was told I was in for Attractions. It was in my top three and I found out faster then anyone else I had heard. I felt very honored and excited to know so quickly. I am completely confident that this is what I want. So now to a new adventure. Orlando... here I come!! Ready to start my new life!

Only Connect

Do you ever walk down a busy street or into a busy room and feel completely alone? Well, if you answered no then you must be Snow White... or lying. There are times when I can be in a room full of my friends and yet they could be speaking yiddish and I wouldn't be able to communicate any better with them. This flaw is a fault neither my own or theirs but rather a flaw in the innate being of humanity... I believe. Because it is only in this loneliness that reach up or we reach over. I think that in these rare moments of aloneness we seek familiarity in what we can. Yesterday, I was reading a book that I had just found at a thrift store, in the back written in pencil was a quote by Henry Thorough quote

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

In a strange way this made me feel completely connected to a stranger. I imagine that this quote is in the back of the book because they couldn't find paper since it is broken up, however I felt connected. Someone out there could be feeling how I feel. They could be searching for more. To some this seems like a silly thought, but for a few of you out there you know what I am talking about. It happens in the random moments of life. It can be when you are rocking out in your car to look over and see the person next to you rocking out to the same song, sitting on an airplane and looking over to see that you are reading the same book as your neighbor, or seeing someone else who is wearing TOMS. I look at these opportunities as a way to not only realize how connected I am to everyone but rather how this came to be. Look for joys in the little things and for rare moments remember that you are not alone. We struggle and stride through each day... with strength not our own.

Ireland

How do you begin to describe something that completely changes your life? How do you begin to describe this when it happened in one week? My week in Wicklow was incredible, I knew it would be simply because it would be in Ireland. I never imagined how much God would use this trip. First off, I was terrified. I have never gone on a trip before without having at least one of my friends there with me. I actually ran from my friends to sign up for this trip so I could do something on my own. I began to regret that decision the night before I left. It seemed as though everyone else on my team was bonding and I was the odd man out. But regardless, I trudged on and arrived at the airport the next day. My fears didn't really subside until we got to Ireland. It was like as soon as I breathed in the air that even seemed to have an Irish smell to it, that I finally saw the hand of God work instantly. I began to bond with my team and I instantly bonded with many of the Irish. My roommate ended up being one of the girls that I never thought I would become friends with, not in a hundred years. We hang out with different sides of the track at school, sides that will really unlikely ever mix. I loved living with her and it was so easy to open up to her and discuss everything I had dealt with and where I was. It was also beautiful hearing about where she had been and where she was, and what I could look forward to from her journey.
If I had to choose one word to choose for this trip it would be the word CONNECT. From the first cultural blunder of asking the Irish what color pants they were wearing (which means underwear there) to the tears I cried when having to say goodbye we instantly bonded all around. I have never seen the body of Christ connect so quickly and work so efficiently. Here we were, fixing up a town that stood in the shadow of a church that has seen more years then our country. We spoke different words and yet we all worshiped the same God. The true beauty of this is indescribable. I don't know if you have ever sat and talked with someone who you would think has nothing in common with you and yet realize that there is little you have NOT in common. That is a fraction of what it is like to connect with a body of people in another country.
The weird thing about this country is that it is such a Christ-deprived nation and yet I couldn't help but think that if the churches here had the same amount of passion and love then truly I wouldn't feel so different in my beliefs a lot of the time. I finally saw a glimpse of the church as it was supposed to be. This isn't to say that I think the church in Red Cross to be a beacon of heavenly light with no flaws, but rather in a week I saw the body of Christ at work in a way that showed His love as a testimony rather then the obnoxious Tel-evangelists that sadly represent such a stereotypical view of religion that many people have. In a week I was able to experience MY God, one that, to be honest, I haven't seen in a while, and one that I missed. A God is less about words and more about actions. Less about condemning and more about loving. One that is less about standing and judging but more about working and living.
So I cried when I had to leave Ireland. I knew I would miss the rolling green hills, the lush overgrown hedges, the simplicity of frolicking through fields with my new CCU friends who I knew I wouldn't really talk to as soon as we hit Colorado. I would miss coming home to see two little Irish girls run into my arms, I would miss the indescribably amazing young people that I had the honor to play, work and joke with, the loving hearts of the people who opened there homes to us, and I would miss the laid back fun culture. But I knew I would also miss this beautiful glimpse of paradise, of working hand in hand with people who were strangers a day before who I saw MY God working through. So as I come back I continue to hope that God will continue to work with me, in me, and through me. With Strength not my own. Cheers!!

What is faith?

This is a question that I have had to struggle with this last year. What does it look like to have a full relationship and to walk by faith? How do I continue to live my life while facing disappointments, heartbreaks, and struggles all while keeping in mind the ever so faithful One who has my best interest. Often times I find myself looking up and questioning how much my life is on the track it is supposed to be on. I question that I will end up where I am meant to be, that I will end up with who I am meant to be, that I will define things how I should. 

When I think of what faith is, a line of a novel comes to mind. It is a line that touched me so intensely at the time of me reading it, and it came at a "cross roads" in my life. It is from the book Redeeming Love, a book by a Christian author that I believe finally captures the true heart of MY God, the loving, forgiving One that I long to trust and put my faith in. In it, the character of Michael is faced with the challenge of his struggling ex-prostitute wife who he rescued and learned to love, and allowed her to love him. She is about to run yet again from the fear of the love that he has shown to her broken spirit. He knows that if he holds on to her then the person she is meant to be will never come to be, but letting her go seems like a task that will break him. Finally, after he comes to this conclusion that he loves her and needs her to be the women she could truly be, he decides to let go. He looks up to the heavens and he asks God, "If I give her to you will you give her back?" No answer came. This is the epitome of my faith, of my... life. Blind faith. It would be easy for me to hand over my career aspirations knowing that when I got it back I would be a big movie producer for movies that will change people's lives. It would be easy getting over breakups and heartaches if I knew that the man I was meant to marry would be more then what I would imagine. It would be easy to hand over the dreams of traveling if I knew where I would go, if I knew that I would adopt all the children I want to. But life is not easy and faith is never meant to be easy, if it was easy then it would be something different. 

Every-time I read Redeeming Love something hits me differently. When I read it a year ago, life was changing and this is the part that hit me. If I hand my heart to someone that I have dedicated my life to who I know is the only One who has the power to handle it carefully, I no longer have control over it. I handed over something a year ago and it took another year for me to learn that the broken pieces I thought I was picking up from it was just a task on becoming the woman I truly want to be rather then a fault of the only true loving One in my life. 

With this, as I feel the shift of summer coming I feel a change coming. A deep breath and faith is the only way to step into the future that seems so blurry and unkown. I guess I will just have to face it... with strength not my own. 

New Year

Well with a new year comes the opportunity to look back at the old year. As I look back at 2009 there are a few things that stick out and a few things that I choose not to remember. Overall I would say 2009 was a great year, not because it was so fun and full of happiness (although it did have its moments), but rather that I can look back at 2009 and see that I am more of the woman I want to be as a result of it. I heard a quote recently "There are two great tragedies in life, one is to gain your hearts desire and the other is to lose it" by George Bernard Shaw. This is a thought provoking idea, who would think that getting your hearts desire would be a tragedy? I'm sure before 2009 I never would have been able to understand this quote. There were a few desires that I was able to obtain this year but it was through losing them that I was able to see what I gave up to get them. I gave up a huge part of my self these last few years. I felt as though my joy was lost  and I thought in order to obtain it I needed to gain my "hearts desire" or that I needed to search other people. I finally gained both my "heart desire" and a group of people that I thought would help find my joy and yet I was still unhappy. It was through losing my hearts desire that I was able to find my joy again. And it was through that, that I was able to see what the Lord's desire for me was and truly what my desire is.